It’s Voice

It began following me when I was younger. I didn’t know what it was, so I tried to ignore it. I never told my friends or family that it was following me. I tried to befriend it, I just thought it was a friend for me to play with since I usually was lonely with the constant moving. It was nice to have a friend. I was about thirteen when I had moved to a new school for the fifth time that year. I walked the halls and tried to find my class. It followed close behind whispering things in my ear. 


It pointed to a person and whispered, “They’re better looking than you.” 


The person was better looking, had a better looking body and face. I agreed. 


“Look at you, you’re a little pudgy huh?”

“I’m not that bad.” I said. 


It clicked it’s tongue at me and waved it’s long black fingernail in my face. It shook its head then gave me a grin. I walked to my first class which was math. The teacher told the class that they had a new student then gestured towards me. Everyone’s attention shifted to me. I could feel their burning eyes on every inch of my body. Then I got this weird feeling. I’ve felt it many times before but this felt more intense than the other times. I didn’t like the burning feeling of everyone’s eyes on me. 


The teacher told me to come up and introduce myself to the class. The eyes followed as I walked in front of the white bored. I placed my hands in my hoodie pocket and tried to speak but nothing came out. It’s like all the words didn’t exist in my head anymore. 


“Let’s start with you name, what’s your name dear?” 


I opened my mouth to speak but it closed my mouth. It clicked it’s tongue again. 


“What are you doing?” I asked in a whisper. 

“Who are you talking to dear?” The teacher asked. 


I looked at her then at the class who was staring at me, they gave me funny looks. I realized what I had done. 


“M-my name is E-Ethan.” 

“Great, Ethan where did you move from?” 


It hovered over my shoulder. 


“What are you waiting for? Tell them. You already messed it up so why not continue?” It mocked. 


I closed my eyes and answers. The teacher could see how distrat I was and said I could sit down now. As soon as I sat down I had the sudden urge to cry. 


“Go ahead and cry you cry baby. Boy’s aren’t supposed to cry. What are you doing?” 


I tried to ignore what It was saying but it kept nagging me on until lunch. I picked a little corner to sit at since I didn’t know anyone. I picked at my food, I didn’t really have an appetite. It tapped my shoulder then sat next to me with a huge grin. 


“What?” I asked a bit annoyed. 

“What’s the the snappy attitude? I was trying to help buddy, you’re the one who messed everything up. Don’t blame me for your mistakes.” 


I didn’t respond. The day went on and one. I came home in a rut. Mom asked how my day was and I just gave a generic, “it was fine.” then headed out before she could ask anymore questions. When dinner was ready I asked my mom if I could eat in my room. 


“Why, you like eating with the family. You’re not being like your brother are you?” She asked. 

“No I just want to be alone, can I eat in my room?”

“No, you eat with us,”

“I’m not really hungry.” 


I went to bed hungry that night. Mom didn’t ask why I didn’t eat, she didn’t check on me. I didn’t get much sleep that night. It kept nagging me about what happened through the day and saying all the bad things were my fault. It went on the same way for the whole school year. Since I never ate my mom got worried about me. I lost weight at such an unhealthy and rapid speed. Mom took me to the doctor. 


They took me in and questioned me while they checked my body. 


“How’s your home life?” The doctor asked while lifting my arms. 


“Are your parents good to you? They’re not mean right?” 


I shook my head no. 


“Why are you asking so many questions?” I asked curiously. 

“Just to see if everything is good at home. Your mom told me you won’t eat anymore, why is that?”

“I don’t know, I just don’t feel hungry.” 

“Well a growing boy needs food and you are a growing boy that needs food.” 


I nod not really knowing what to say. The doctor said he was done giving me my check up and said I could put my shirt back on. I did so and he went outside to tell me mom something. I pressed my ear up to the door to hear them. 


“Well ma’am I don’t see anything physically wrong with him other than he’s really underweight. If you want we have do a brain scan.” 


I heard my mom agree to the brain scan and scheduled an appointment. We went home after that but not before stopping at a fast food place. Mom got me a burger and  fries and a milkshake. When we got home mom made me stay with her until I ate everything she got for me. I looked in the mirror after my shower and it appeared behind me. 


“Just cause you look in the mirror for a long time doesn’t mean your ugly mug is gonna change.” 


It berraded me and made fun of me. It calls me names and made me feel bad. You may ask why didn’t I tell it to stop. I did, many times but when I did the taounting got worse and worse. It went on for years and no one seemed to notice. It wasn’t until my junior year of highschool when I told someone about it. My brother. He was much older and easier to talk to then years back and I didn’t want to talk to my mom about this due to her judgmental past. I told him this thing was bugging me. He sat there and listened to me which made me feel better. He told me that he had one of those things too. 


“You had a friend like that too?”

“No, Ethan those aren’t your friends. They’re the opposite. You need to get rid of it now. Have you told mom?” 


I shook my head. 


“I don’t blame you.” 

“Well what do we do? I don’t want this thing around me anymore.”


We tried everything to get rid of it but every failed attempt made it stronger. 


“You can’t get rid of me, I’m here forever. Your friend till the end.” 

“Will you shut up already!”


It stopped. The sly grin it wore turned into a frown. It stopped for a few days but came back up whenever I got happy. I later learned it’s name. Depression. I’ve found ways to ignore the bad feelings and to focus on the good feelings. It hasn’t gone away. It was right I can’t get rid of it but I can choose not to notice it. And that’s what I’ve done. It only shows up at least three days out of the week, if I’m lucky then only two days. 


I’m much happier now.